just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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