I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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