Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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