oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
