i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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