I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
