i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
