Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
my liver is dry heaving
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
