if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
