Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
