awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We have started to decorate penises.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
