the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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