I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
