I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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