my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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