she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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