I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
