??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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