I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
