would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
