The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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