a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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