he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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