This girl is more easily done than said...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
