They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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