How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
