Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
50% drunk capacity currently
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
