I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
