At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
