Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
