I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
