You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
