I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
