I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
