I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
