just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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