i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
