drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
