OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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