I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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