I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
