there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
