im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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