my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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