Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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