Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
