Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
