Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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