??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I wish there were birth control emojis
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
