I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
